How do you know something to be true?
And how to live with others who have different truths.
We all want truth, don’t we? We hate being lied to. And we’re tired of feeling confused and unclear about things. But how do we sort through all the information?
Way before social media, when I first became a mother (1997), I found the amount of advice out there on child rearing to be overwhelming. At some point, I decided it best to turn inward and use my own inner compass to decide how to parent my children. I asked myself some important questions and formed some powerful guidelines to carry me forward through motherhood. I realized that advice from professionals isn’t truth; it’s simply advice from professionals.
And then there’s politics today. There’s an overwhelming amount of info out there, so much of it is toxic: we often end up feeling angry and self-righteous or afraid and confused. It seems crazy to me how the arguments on both sides are always the same: my sources are credible, I’m well informed about this topic, I know the truth, they are so wrong, they aren’t looking at the facts, how could they be so dumb? …which should prompt a different inquiry, like: wait. what’s going on? We can’t both be arguing that the other side lacks common sense and real science, can we?
When asked:
how do you know something to be true?
one of the first answers people start with is: it must be based in fact; there must be empirical evidence to support it.
The problem is,
empirical evidence takes a long time to produce, longer than the speed at which life happens
facts change over time with advancements in science and cultural perspective
there’s a massive difference between statistics and how relevant they are in our own personal lives
Is truth personal?
Isn’t it?
Former white nationalist Derek Black tells a compelling story of how someone who grew up in a culture like his (David Duke was his godfather) can believe what they believe to be true. His truth changed after making Jewish friends in college who accepted him into their circle knowing who he was.
My own truth about my parents changed after I saw my mom saying things that emotionally traumatized me as a child. The difference this time was, I saw her actions through adult eyes and realized that her intention wasn’t mean at all. This changed my story.
We all have stories about ourselves. What’s true about them is that that’s how we remember experiencing them. But it doesn’t make any of it fact. Yet, it influences so much of how we show up in our lives.
It’s easy to mistake believing something to be true just because we think it. This would mean that if I think I’m an idiot, it’s true. This belief had affected my ability to ask questions, seek help, and step forward as a teen and young adult.
Yoga teaches us that just because you think it, doesn’t mean it’s true. This truth can help release a lot of bondage and put power back into your hands.
Truth can’t be had without the full context. But when do we ever have full context?
Have you ever heard the story about the Father on a the Subway shared by Steven Covey in his book, The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People? Here it is:
I was riding the subway one Sunday morning in New York. People were sitting quietly, reading papers, or resting with eyes closed. It was a peaceful scene. Then a man and his children entered the subway car. The man sat next to me and closed his eyes, apparently oblivious to his children, who were yelling, throwing things, even grabbing people’s papers.
I couldn’t believe he could be so insensitive. Eventually, with what I felt was unusual patience, I turned and said, “Sir, your children are disturbing people. I wonder if you couldn’t control them a little more?”
The man lifted his gaze as if he saw the situation for the first time. “Oh, you’re right,” he said softly, “I guess I should do something about it. We just came from the hospital where their mother died about an hour ago. I don’t know what to think, and I guess they don’t know how to handle it either.”
Suddenly, I saw things differently. And because I saw differently, I felt differently. I behaved differently. My irritation vanished. I didn’t have to worry about controlling my attitude or my behavior. My heart filled with compassion. “Your wife just died? Oh, I’m so sorry. Can you tell me about it? What can I do to help?” Everything changed in an instant.
We don’t know how another person got to doing what they’re doing, or to how they came to believe in what they believe in. There’s a lifelong story in each of us with experiences layered on top of another that influences our actions. Actions can seem spontaneous but they come from deep roots. We don’t know what harm people are protecting themselves from, how they got their identities, and how - or whether or not - they have learned to cope. We barely know that of ourselves.
Some call others out in the name of truth. The woman in that story saw with her very own eyes how inconsiderate the father on the subway was being. It made her irritable. She spoke with him and her truth and composure changed. Looks can be deceiving. Even when someone cuts you off while you’re driving. You don’t know what’s going on. And, you’ve likely done it to someone without even knowing it. Not everyone honks to make sure you know what you did.
So if we won’t ever have the full context, how do we determine truth?
First, the only truth you will ever know is your own experience of things. While this is true, and this matters, it’s not TRUTH. It’s your experience of things, not anyone else’s. If you have siblings, you know how differently they remember the same events having lived under the same roof with the same parents. This is not to dismiss your experiences. But, understanding this can help you understand how different truths can be for other people.
Here are some exercises that I find helpful when my feathers get ruffled:
When I catch myself judging others, I ask myself, what in me feels so threatened that I need to feel better, smarter, than them? Why do I need to feel right and hold the other accountable for being wrong? Where’s my insecurity? What’s my deeper hunger?
I replace making someone wrong with curiosity: where are they coming from with this? Why? This replaces division with respect for another human being and their full context that I don’t and won’t ever know. Caveat: this doesn’t give anyone a pass for bad behavior; it simply changes the energy to one that is more effective in bringing peace and true accountability (should there be a need for it).
I offer the benefit of doubt. I won’t forget what they’ve done in the past (if they’ve hurt me or others), but also, I will remind myself that people grow all the time, including me. I remind myself to grow up and catch others doing the same.
I check in with myself to see why I’m saying what I’m saying. Is it to feel useful? Helpful? Is it useful and helpful to them? Intention matters. So is reading the room.
To hold someone accountable does not mean you have to make sure they know they are wrong. To hold someone accountable is to break down your own walls of defense so that they can too; otherwise no one is listening. It’s to let the other know what happens to you when they do or say what they did; and to say it in a similar tone that you’d like them to use on you. Sometimes they won’t be able to reciprocate because their defensiveness is ingrained, and they’re simply not ready to be vulnerable in that way. Trust that the message was heard, because it was. I find that the less I repeat myself, the louder the message, and the more quickly others shift. But I had to shift first. We can allow others to save face and shift quietly. We want the same in return; shame is already a big problem for many of us, no need to add fuel.
Do your best to be honest about how you feel rather than how they are (imperfect). When we share our feelings in the most authentic way, no agenda, it opens others up, and they let down their wall. They share. They are more willing to take responsibility for things because you led with the truth: how you feel. Other people’s “wrong sightedness” is not truth.
Learn to trust your gut instinct and intuition - your wise inner voice that speaks before your head begins to blame, shame, and justify.
When you shut others out - either literally, or because you talk more than you listen - you shut a part of yourself out. When you shut a part of yourself out, truth becomes elusive. This is what happens in the socio-political realm, and what happens in our own micro-world.
By practicing these 7 exercises, you’ll find truth within yourself, in others, and in the world around you. You’ll better discern the truth when you turn on media. It comes back to YOU: when you understand YOU better, you understand others better. When you understand others better, you understand the problem. When you understand the problem, you’ll see the greater Truth. When you see the greater Truth, solutions look completely different: they are less divisive and more freeing, respectful, connective, peaceful, and human.
Love, Savitree