So much of our stress comes from wanting to do something else, to be somewhere else, or to do everything all at once.
Lack of clarity around our values and priorities, and of understanding what supports everything, all at once, doesn’t help. We believe that we have too much to juggle, that they are all important, and because of the limited time we have, that those values conflict.
I’m here to argue that they actually don’t conflict, and that there is enough time in your day to uphold all of them without losing your mind. This is technically simple to shift. All it needs is a simple leap of faith to do it. The danger of not making this leap is that it can keep us stuck in magical thinking, which is continuing to do the same type of thing and expecting a different result. Leap of faith or magical thinking…
The Problem
Whether or not these line up with your order of values, this is what a typical order of priority looks like for many of us.
Your job; work you have to do: this takes up much of your bandwidth because this is your livelihood. This one gets done because you have people to answer to, whether they’re your bosses, associates, clients, or your mortgage company. These hours are blocked on your calendar. You schedule your meetings. You treat this one pretty much as a non-negotiable.
Household tasks and errands: they fill your to-do list. You get these done on your breaks, after work, and on evenings and weekends. These are never ending, yet you try to cross them off first because they are low hanging fruit, easy to cross off.
Wellness appointments with doctors, healers, therapists: When you make these appointments, not only wouldn’t you blow them off, they’re in your calendar so you won’t forget.
Household Family: When you’re not with them, you feel guilty. And when you’re with them, you’re often only half there. You're there because you value them, and you want to be. And also, you'd feel like a terrible parent or spouse if you weren’t. It’s easy enough to default them into your day because you live under the same roof. You’re often hesitant to schedule anything for yourself until they’ve gone to sleep or have made plans of their own.
Extended Family: You find time for them when you’re needed or when special milestones and holiday events come up. You put these events in your calendar, or you drop everything to help out when you’re needed. Again, you’d feel terrible if you blew them off.
Friends: No time, right? If they were lucky enough to get on your calendar, schedules with friends are the most vulnerable to getting canceled when things come up, you get behind, or you’re too tired. This is the one place where you might decide that being late, or constantly rescheduling, is okay. They’ll understand that you’re a busy person, right?
Work you want to do, aka your dreams: If your job is your livelihood, then your dreams are your energy, your vitality. If these are one in the same, you are so blessed! What I’m talking about here are the stuff that you know would bring you so much joy and a sense of purpose and accomplishment.
Unfortunately, for many people, these aren’t one in the same, and they work on their dreams when they can find the time. This often runs into their sleep time. They find a second wind at night, and they’re tired the next day. Or, they’re too exhausted when time unexpectedly opens up, and they unwittingly use it to veg out, catch up on housework, or fall asleep. So it’s stop and go, and the needle barely moves on your personal desires.Wellness practices: If your job is your livelihood, and your dreams are your vitality, this is your source, your DNA. It affects your entire physiology and coding system. Which affects your output into the world, your inner experience, and your relationships. These include meditation, yoga, exercise, food prep, sit-down (device-less) mealtimes, sleep, and all the other practices that balance your nervous system and keep your mind and body healthy and strong. Alas, wellness practices often fall apart as soon as something else comes up. You feel so urgent about it you can’t bother with this right now. You don’t have time, you need extra sleep in the morning, there is no time to cook or eat the way you want to in order to feel good and have the energy you need because you’re too busy. This one constantly waits until after everything is done.
The solution:
FLIP THE FIRST AND LAST TWO,
AND YOU’LL EAT YOUR CAKE AND HAVE IT TOO.
Wellness practice
Work you want to do
Wellness appointments
Household Family
Friends
Extended Family
Work you have to do
Household tasks and errands
Not only will this fill you up at the soul level by realigning you with your deepest values and desires, you’ll gain more energy, clarity, and time.
Taking a leap of faith
Trust that nothing real that’s important to you will fall apart.
They will shift for sure, and there may be some tantrums, but the shift benefits everyone. You’ll notice that your time and space is respected, your boundary issues are dissolving, and that you’re enjoying life so much more because you are fed. You’ve been seen and heard… by you.
The people in your life that’s in the middle of this order, numbers 4,5, and 6 above, will be well served by this flip. So it’s wise to stop operating on a subconscious belief that you need to get the external stuff done first in order to be able to fully focus on what you value most. This time doesn’t exist.
Quality time isn’t found in leftovers. It’s made purposely from the beginning.
The keys to making this work
Schedule #1 and #2 in your calendar first. Show up for this at least as well as you show up for those obligations you’d rather not show up for but do anyway.
Block family time on your calendar; bonus if you plan something specific to do with them so it doesn’t default to family screen time, separately but together. This time doesn’t have to be long or expensive. It can be 20 minutes. A game or two of Bananagrams, or a round of Buds, Thorns & Roses.
Actively schedule time with your friends. Stop rescheduling or making them wait. They are the ones that help you remember who you are outside of family, so commit to keeping your friendships alive. They will help you deal with difficult family dynamics better, not because they give great advice, but because you are fed by friendships. Your friends have a choice to love and make time for you in a different way from family. This is an important distinction, and we need this part.
If you work an “8 to 5” job, of course this will impact your schedule. Calendaring in this flipped order simply means your discretionary overtime work will have to consider the other important parts of you. There’s a lot more discretion here than you think. This boundary that you set on work may actually help you stay more focused during your dedicated work hours since you need to meet your friend for coffee at 5:30.
Know that your household tasks and errands will get done or delegated. Or you’ll realize that some of these weren’t yours to begin with. Remember that when you’ve had a long day, you can’t delegate your passions, but you can absolutely delegate your tasks. No, they won’t be able to do them like you, but that’s totally fine. The prize is that you got to do something much more dream worthy.
Oh, and stop scrolling. This messes up all your plans and sucks your energy and creative flow.
By flipping this order, you become an inspiring example of how to live your values, which is what we all hope for in our children and everyone else we care about. They will learn to self-love, delegate, ask for help, and say yes to their dreams because you’re doing it. Only by living it can you give them the permission to do the same. So schedule the first two first, and don’t be surprised to find increased capacity to be authentically curious, present, and supportive of yourself and everyone around you. Don’t be surprised that the people around you are also blossoming at an increasing rate. The B.S. will fall away, and you’ll feel the energy you haven’t felt in years.
Love, Savitree