Emotions are a funny thing. We get emotional, we stuff them down, we steel them up; some find them to be inconvenient, and some dismiss them, thinking themselves to be rational and logical, not driven by emotion. We can’t get away from our emotions. If, heaven forbid we stop feeling them, we are in deep trouble.
We are emotional beings
Did you know that, as heady as we can be, we are more emotional than thinking beings?
Brene Brown, research professor at the University of Houston’s Graduate College of Social Work, who spent two decades studying courage, vulnerability, shame, and empathy, said:
“We like to think we are rational beings who occasionally have an emotion and flick it away. But rather, we are emotional, feeling beings; who, on rare occasions, think.”
Let that sink in as you read on.
Your memories may be making you slave to your emotions
Memories are connected to emotions.
While we might remember events that felt emotionally neutral, these are the ones that are more likely to be forgotten or vague, versus events that elicited the strongest emotions live on more vividly, get recalled often, and with greater detail, even if inaccurate. In a bit, I’ll share with you a personal example of an “inaccurate” memory I had. Another form of “inaccurate” is that we know that two people at the same event, and at the same time, can have two completely different experiences and emotions, and thus their memory of it will call up different responses, energy, mood, and perspective. This is to say that our experiences are subjective.
Your decisions are informed by your emotions
Psychological research shows that 90-95% of our decisions are informed by our emotional state, even when we believe we are making a “rational” decision.
Our past experiences, and the emotions connected with them (often unconscious) shape our perceptions of reality, which inform how we will decide, react, or respond. Which further affirms our reality and modes of being.
Learning to regulate and manage our emotions differently can help us make better decisions, and make change.
How to stop being a slave to your emotions
The first 5 foundational steps makes the key step - #6 - easier to do.
Get enough rest - when you’re tired, it becomes difficult to manage anything.
Stay hydrated - it’s amazing what drinking a glass of water can do to affect mood and energy.
Do your self care: breathe, meditate, move your body, read, journal, help others, see friends, do something you love and is important to you. These will elevate your energy, mood, and sense of Self, and when that happens, emotions are easier to manage and put into perspective.
Eat nutrient dense foods, and only when you are hungry for food. Also remember to chew more. A strong digestion and immunity allows you to digest life better.
Reduce screen time and change how you take in the news. This will strengthen your immunity and protect your sense of personal power and joy.
The key step: Change your narrative along with the emotion attached to it. Now let’s talk about this.
Did you know that you can recreate your story?
Your body doesn’t know the difference between the past, present and future when you are experiencing emotion. Which means, when you recall a memory, and it triggers that same emotion as it had done in the past, your body responds as if it’s happening now. This affirms the past to the present moment, affecting mood, energy, and action.
It could be a childhood memory or a memory from just yesterday. Unchecked, this recreates the same experiences you keep having in your life, embedding it into your personality and making change difficult.
My “inaccurate” memory…
For many years, I carried a childhood memory of my mom telling me that I couldn’t do things. I believed her. Growing up, there was a battle happening between my conscious will to succeed and this memory, the emotions of which held me back. Even though as a young adult I could see overwhelming evidence to the contrary, at a deeper level, I believed my mom to be true. This made my efforts exhausting.
And then one day, I witnessed my mom telling my (at the time) almost 5-year-old daughter something uncannily familiar, whooshing me back into childhood: you can’t do that.
Only this time, I understood from her tone of voice (now that I was a secure adult) that my mom was “kidding” in a “tiger mom” sort of way (her joke was so subtle). What shot through my mind and body was, omg, this is what she was doing with me as a child!
I told my mom never to say anything like that again, even as a joke, and my story changed at that very moment.
The wave of emotion that swept over me in this epiphany was that of wonder.
I wondered what other stories in my life could be changed in a split moment like that.
It’s important to note that whether or not my mom actually meant it (or was joking) when she said it to me as a child doesn’t matter. The story is now changed, and I am no longer haunted by the old one. Though I still have this memory, the emotion is now neutral, so it has no power over me.
Also, I learned that I don’t need an experience like the story with my mom and daughter to change an old story. I can change it because I want (to) change.
I know it’s not easy to change stories; we are quite attached to them. We all have them. The question becomes, are we courageous enough to take a look and revise to serve us better? Knowing that our translations of them are subjective anyway? And that we would rather be happy and free?
Meditation helps.
It makes us more aware and observant. It gives us access to our subconscious mind, which comprises 95% of our brain activity! It helps us change our thoughts, which helps us change our experiences, which helps us change our responses, which helps us change our perspective, which helps us change our thoughts (it’s circular)… which makes us who we are and how we operate today and in the future.
To change anything, it isn’t enough to just set a goal because our past and our subconscious mind will have something to say about it. In essence, we must change who we are - the stories that we identify with, and the emotional charge that we’ve attached to them.
Pay attention to your feelings. If dread comes up, your actions will serve dread. If gratitude comes up, your actions will serve gratitude.
So much of the emotions we experience are habits unconsciously carried forward from past experiences
Which is why we have default emotions. Mine was anger (anything could take me there) while my sister had no access to it. Growing up, we both practiced a different way of being in our family unit; I was the black sheep and she was the pleaser. I got angry, and she got empathetic. Today, it is no longer my default emotion. It’s curiosity.
Any pivotal moment in your life comes with big emotions, which comes with a change in chemistry in your mind and body. I used to wonder how I could possibly remember something that happened at the age of 2. It’s because I was tremendously upset - it was a big emotion. My mom had just left for the States (we lived in Korea and my Dad had left the year I was born). I was crying for her inconsolably, and my grandmother sat in the room with me and let me go through it, lovingly (I stayed with my grandparents until I was to reunite with my parents 3 years later). While this example is of something more traumatic, a pivotal moment can absolutely be positive. In fact, that’s what we’re striving to create in order to change our chemistry to make the changes we want effortless.
In order to truly change something, a big emotion needs to accompany it. By big, I mean, deep and real enough for your body to feel it. Which is why experts suggest that we act as if or fake it til you make it. This doesn’t mean that you should, for example, spend more money than you have to act wealthy (the wealthy don’t spend more than they have). It means to feel wealth in your mood, thoughts, and actions. Nor does it mean to stuff down negative emotions and fake happy. It means to examine it to decide what to do next to get to true joy and ease. Your emotions don’t have to be exaggerated; they can be quite subtle. But they must sink deep enough to change any thoughts of “this won’t work for me” and work toward breaking the reality threshold holding you back (i.e. I can’t do this).
Tapping into the elevated emotion that corresponds to the change you want to make must be a regular practice. Do this at least twice a day until it becomes who you are. The emotions that you hold at the subconscious level are stronger than any conscious new intention to make change. When the two correspond, wowzers, things happen.
Your brain doesn’t know the difference
Studies show that your brain doesn't know the difference between reality and imagination… as long as it passes your reality threshold. Check in with yourself to see what limits of reality you’ve created for yourself and why.
Since your brain doesn’t know the difference,
Correct a story.
I carried a story that what I do is not right; that I should be doing something else more productive and acceptable. I didn’t even know it was a story I was carrying until it came up in a meditation one morning.
What I did: I made myself present to the emotions that that belief held, and then I released it.
And then I corrected it: everything I do is divine order. What I do is exactly right.
I connected this with the Joy that comes from doing, unapologetically.
I trust what I do, and I own it.
I took time to feel that, authentically, in my body. This became a daily affirmation. I stopped feeling like I just got caught being selfish or misguided. I became more present to whatever I was doing. The friction with the world melted away.
If you feel victimized by an injustice from the past, instead of focusing on your injury, practice focusing - without judgment - on how broken your wrongdoer must have felt to do or say such a thing. Feel the compassion, forgive, and let it go. In doing so, instead of repeatedly giving up your power to the past, you feed your power to rise and thrive, in the past, present, and future. Which means you are altering your future in the most positive of ways.
Future pull.
When the brain doesn’t realize the difference between the future and the present, it becomes your present.
Imagine and feel what you want to experience as clearly as possible. It’s important to connect the corresponding emotions to it as thoroughly as possible. I don’t mean the desperation for it but the joy, freedom, personal power, centeredness, generosity, and gratitude you’d feel knowing it’s already with you. Break the ceiling. Move your reality threshold.
Don’t know how to do this? Practice gratitude. By that, I don’t mean to make a list of everything you’re grateful for - this has become rote for many people. I mean practice the feeling of gratitude - I mean, look around you - until it’s genuine through and through. Make this a nonstop living meditation.
This practice cultivates your ability to conquer emotions, and to have them work for your highest good.
Give your stories and situations the highest benefit of the doubt. Know that you are the creator of your experiences, and that whatever story you decide to be true, you will be right. You will.
You will know what experiences you’ve chosen by paying attention to your emotions. You can always choose again. Might as well be ones that make you happy, healthy, and whole. The rewards are worth it.
Love, Savitree
Savitree, this is so beautiful and so wise! I read the whole thing and then starred it so I can come back and read it again and again. I feel like it's the perfect compliment to the meditation exercises you share. I'm grateful for your guidance and wisdom!