What I promised my children (and why it became a mission)
There are family moments when we find ourselves deep inside the tension between love and fear. Where the stakes feel high, and an external force demands you to let go of a position you hold stronger than almost anything else… in order to let your child live their own life.
Your position is no longer the only one on the line. The family is older now, and they have values and opinions of their own. You’ve raised them to be smart, to think for themselves, and to go after the things that are important to them.
But when other positions come to the field, challenging the ones you hold steadfast, it can feel like an ambush. And once you’re able to open up, you ask yourself:
Does my position supersede everyone else’s… even when I’m certain that I’m the most informed to make the best choice for them?
Do I hold firm to my position on behalf of someone for whom I would lay down my life?
Or is this a moment where I need to let go and trust?
I’m witnessing this gut wrenching situation right now with a dear friend.
This isn’t a story about this mom, but about all moms.
We pass down truths we take for granted until the very people that got us there challenges them. What this mom is going through, many moms go through.
This witnessing took me back in time. To a promise I made to my children 28 years ago while pregnant with my first child.
This promise, stress-tested over the two decades by this similar arc, evolved into the work I do today.
When I never wanted kids
Before I married a man who dreamed of having children since he was a child, I made it very clear to my then boyfriend turned fiancé that I never wanted kids. If this was a deal breaker, he should know now.
I didn’t want kids because I was certain I’d ruin them.
Because my model for parenting was judgment, performance and optics, and pretending everything was fine.
Nine years later, I changed my mind. I decided I wanted two children.
And because my fear of ruining them was bone-deep, I became radically and persistently intentional.
I started with two questions. I answered them not just once, but over and over again:
What kind of mother do I want to be?
What didn’t I have that I know is essential?
Reverse engineering parenthood
I started with why having kids was a no in the first place. I didn’t feel safe to ask questions or express myself without judgment. I experienced love as conditional. When I ‘looked stupid,’ I was shamed for it. So I quelled my curiosities. I stopped raising my hand and stopped taking risks. Not just in the classroom, but at home. I wasn’t a pleaser, so I quietly rebelled. I became passive-aggressive. I disappointed my Asian immigrant parents who, perhaps unintentionally, treated me as a surrogate to live out their dreams. I was estranged from them.
I would not pass this on.
I decided that I would:
Model mistakes openly. In front of us, our parents pretended everything was fine. I decided to show my kids what pivoting looks like. I knew one thing for certain: that I would make mistakes. I would have ample opportunity to model this.
Practice unconditional love with firm boundaries. Not “good boy / bad boy” but “I love you just the same. I’m disappointed in what you did. Help me understand how you got there.”
Ask “how do you feel about it?” before “I’m proud of you.” This was me teaching self-referral before I ever had clients. Before I ever knew self-referral was a word.
Sit at their level during tantrums. I sat through them, next to them, until they were done and ran into my arms. No solutions, no lessons, no shoulds. Just presence.
I reminded myself that I didn’t own my kids. That I was their steward. They were gifts for me to guide, not surrogates to project myself onto. They were mirrors to show me where I needed to grow.
I kept them safe. Not for them to avoid discomfort, but so they could grow into themselves. That they might take chances I wouldn’t agree with. Skin a knee. Get back up. Discover their own path. Feel the pain of rejection. And know that one person is always in their corner.
I wasn’t perfect in execution. But perfection was never my promise.
The daily practice
Here’s the non-negotiable rhythm that supported my promise, from kindergarten through high school:
2 to 2.5 hours of yoga and meditation, ending by 6:30am; in time to step into the kitchen and start a warm breakfast, and a warm lunch to be packed for school.
Kids in the kitchen at 7am. Out the door at 7:20.
This kept their nervous systems grounded and clear. They were curious, critical thinkers who raised their hands, took full advantage of the resources given to them, and navigated the sometimes excruciating world of school and all of its parts. They would at times articulate honestly the awkwardness and frustrations of it all.
The point was never that they’d meditate or do yoga. That was my life.
It was that they’d embody self-referral. And this, they did.
The evidence
My children are young adults now. They express themselves differently than me. Better, I might add.
They test their decisions against their core values and priorities. When asked, they articulate their thought processes enviably well. They go through challenges with a little angst, but thoughtfully, and not alone. They’ve experimented with substances (I try not to dwell on this too hard) but have limited them because “my mental clarity is most important to me.”
I didn’t pass down the practices. I passed down the operating system.
The promise
I promised my children I will always be there for them, no matter what.
This promise didn’t make me soft and available on demand. It made me build the boundaries, the values, the architecture that made the promise keepable.
It was never about getting A’s. It was about becoming sovereign. Not for me, but for them. That with whatever they do, they can be certain it comes from them. That there is a difference between being considerate of others and pleasing them. That they eat home-cooked meals as much as possible. Or at the very least, make the connection between what they just ate and how they feel afterward.
The architecture wasn’t the yoga. The architecture was the promise, and everything I built to keep it.
The return
My 28 year old daughter called to share that my friend reached out to her. She was amazed by her vulnerability, asking to understand how my daughter, once she came of age, chose to walk a different path from her mother, on a conviction her mother held so deeply.
Separately, my daughter and I both told her, in different words:
No matter what decision you make, it will be the right one. And we will support you through it.
I lived the arc my friend is in the middle of right now. I imagined the worst-case scenarios. Alas, that’s what Mom’s do. The battle between love and fear is real. Whether you stand your ground or let go, trust is the ultimate call.
The quality of your architecture – your internal operating system – supports the call.
Eat warm, breathe slowly, keep a rhythm.
– Savitree