You're not distracted, you're externalized
Name the villain, keep a rhythm, calm your brain. Two timelines—self-referred vs externalized—plus the Wellness Assessment.
I outsourced my nod for almost 30 years.
For almost 30 years (from 5 to 33ish), I couldn’t focus. And I was insecure. Instead of explaining what happened to make me that way, I’ll tell you the why–
I didn’t trust my own thoughts, and I sought external approval.
Externalization
I know I’m not alone. I see all around me people who’ve adopted external values to the point they’ve forgotten their own and are now imposing them on others in the name of love–which, to them, means safety in numbers (everyone’s doing it, everyone approves, it “works”). What I’m about to say next isn’t safety in numbers…
Every safe decision I made was a vote towards a noisier brain–attention scattered, depth gone–because it didn’t mean much to me. The only meaning derived by safe decisions were nods and vanity markers–all temporary. Burying personal interests to earn nods buries conviction, curiosity, vitality, and eventually, your sense of self.
It becomes a struggle to tap into the creativity that’s inherent in each of us – to contribute our unique and most valuable and inspiring parts of ourselves to the world – when we choose approval. Externalization is the quiet addiction that keeps our brain noisy. We can’t hear clarity.
Many of us are stuck here. And this stuckness creates chaos in our brains. Which prompts us to suppress our emotions through distractions. This includes:
emotional eating
dipping our toes into a dozen projects, never going deep into one
rejecting rhythm in our day, the foundation for self-referral
Self-referral = deciding from inner signals rather than the outer scoreboard.
It took me almost 30 years to learn to do this. I might have looked self-referred, but it was a convincing mask made from a clever mix of rebellion, bravado, imposition, and quiet judgment.
We’re groomed to externalize: Are others doing it? Will they approve? What if I disappoint or fail?
This creates anxiety. Even in an otherwise comfortable life, it puts us in chronic survival mode. The brain chases “okay,” and it can’t get there because it avoids depth, and we lose ourselves trying to keep everyone else comfortable.
So we get therapists and buy courses in search of answers. While they both can illuminate, it takes more than those to sustainably calm the brain, to scratch the deep itch that can only be satisfied by a good, purposeful challenge called on by our innermost Self rather than our well-intentioned public. When we don’t follow this pull, our brains won’t calm; instead, they feel dead, irritated, chaotic. This is existential crisis.
Quick Test: Are you externalized?
I need to check texts before I choose breakfast.
I change meals based on someone else’s comment.
I open 3 projects to avoid the one that matters.
I snack when I can’t decide.
Score ≥2? You’re outsourced.
Easiest way to self-referral
The tenet behind James Clear’s book, Atomic Habits, is that small action leads to big change. When our small actions are wobbly, our changes are also wobbly.
Rhythm is the small action that scaffolds into magnificently sustainable outcomes and experiences. It takes away the wobble that would otherwise feed more brain wobble. Every time you stay true to your rhythm–despite your mood and conditioning–that’s one more vote for self-referral. Every self-referred action clears the chaos and calms the brain to take more self-referred action.
Food as rhythm
Food is a critical part of rhythm setting. We must eat, and it’s an essential part of our daily lives. Allocating time for it isn’t a waste of time–nothing that nourishes is–because it offers a high return on investment. In the same way that if you spend time understanding money, you’ll save time from having to work harder and longer than you have to, same with meals–they give you energy, clarity, and calm–saving you time having to work harder and longer than you have to.
This delicious necessity is productive if you make it so: it’s a practice in mindfulness, meditation, self-discipline, paying attention, and discernment. What and how you eat has the power to feed or destroy your intelligence at the most cellular level. Your digestibility of life and food go hand in hand; it’s difficult to effectively digest life if you can’t digest your food. It’s the ultimate practice. It saves time and discomfort and cultivates ease and purpose.
The years of therapy I had in my 20s was gold. To this day, I’m grateful to Annette, my therapist, for pulling me out of my dark space. Therapy named the pattern. Rhythm changed my day. My switch to self-referral was rhythm and food.
Rhythm (1) lightens the decision load, reserving your energy for the important stuff, and (2) honors your time.
Food asks you to look in and listen to feedback from your mind and body to make the next decision. Self-referral.
This practice is your small change that doubles as something you have to do anyway (eat) and gives you yourself back. It’s the ultimate self-care and demonstration of both selfishness and selflessness.
When I stopped outsourcing my nod and kept a simple meal rhythm, my brain got quiet enough to hear what mattered–and to finish it.
If you want to see exactly how rhythm looks in my day–both when I’m self-referred and when I’m not–here it is below, along with a “Day in the Life of You” template to map your signals and course-corrects.